Writing a Chapter

I am in a women’s Bible study reading through Job.  We are reading a study about Job being an unlikely story of joy.  Joy?  Job?

In the first week’s video, the author interviews a woman who went to the hospital to deliver twins and returns home after delivering two still born sons unexpectedly.  She has to explain to her five year old why she is not meeting her brothers.  I started crying.  After all this time.

It was my loss open again.  Explaining to people why I no longer had kids.  It was her story, . . . but it felt like a different version of my story.  And I realized that I am still grieving.  For, when the kids left, it closed a chapter called Motherhood. A chapter I was writing.  A chapter I had wanted in my book of life since I was a little girl.

When you have a dream, you work towards achieving it.  And changing direction, closing a chapter, or omitting a chapter you had planned to include can be a shock to self.  I am writing other chapters- good ones.  But, that chapter was supposed to be a large one, and I’m still working on filling the gap that it left when I removed it from my book.

What chapter did you close?  What chapter are you currently writing?

-Elle

Noise

My nephews visited when I moved into my house.  They are both grammar school age and helped put on new cabinet hinges, unpack, and clean.  They enjoyed running around the large, unfenced back yard and sleeping on the couch.   Bug catchers, popsicles, and hot dogs were on hand.

Later in the summer, a friend and I were sitting out on the back porch and she said the backyard could be 2/3 smaller and would be plenty for her.  I agreed and said that is about all I wonder around when in the back yard, but it was nice to have the space for my family when they visit.

I realized that this house was built for a family.  It is 3 bedrooms, full basement, and a large large back yard.  It was perfect for young kids to run and still be seen in the kitchen window. It was perfect for exploring and having space for the older, introverted nephew to get away in the basement to read for a while.    It is just my husband and I – we use the closets in the other two bedrooms but otherwise one is an office and another is a guest room.  As one friend said, “It is a lot of house for you.”

The same goes for a lot in society- things are built for families.  Packs of tickets, meal deals, events include child care.  Navigating as a child free adult can be a reminder of my ‘singleness’.  But, I enjoy the life I’ve built and have the option to choose new activities.  Volunteering with adults, going to cinemas that serve dinner (where you have to be over 16), taking a language/painting lesson, etc.  Later this week, I am taking a cooking class with a friend from grammar school.

It’s a quiet life.  It’s a good life.  It’s my childfree life.

-Elle

Fall Activities

Everyone is unique.  As we approach Halloween, my husband is putting together a costume which he will wear at work and while answering the door for Trick or Treaters.  He is requesting the time off of work to be home early afternoon to make sure the door gets answered for all kids.  I, on the other hand, hope to work late.  Hope.  I find Halloween difficult because I enjoyed it with my own kids.  Since the foster kids left while still in trick or treating age, the excitement of the holiday never dulled.

I, instead, enjoy apple picking or having people over for a soup supper.  I enjoy the cooler temperatures and make the most of the season.  But you won’t see me on Halloween.

How about you?  What do you enjoy or find difficult about the fall season?

-Elle

Ornaments

I am not sentimental.  My sister kept a pair of my dad’s steel toed work boots when he passed away.  She has a few old tools from my maternal grandpa.  And, she has a Cupie doll from my paternal grandma.  I, on the other hand, keep few photos out and don’t put out many sentimental items.  I remember the time spent with the person and material items are not important to me.

For instance, I remember my maternal grandma teaching me to garden and can still taste the carrot she pulled fresh out of the garden for me and my sister to eat right then.  I remember my paternal grandma teaching me crafts like cross stitch.  Quality time is also my love language, so I know experiences and time together is top for me.

I did receive a few handmade ornaments when my paternal grandmother passed away.  I recently moved and was sorting through holiday items.  I found the ornaments and wanted to give them to family that would find value from them.  I contacted my sister who has ornaments from my grandma.  I reached out to my niece who said she would love them.  So, I packed them up and shipped them out to her . . . and never heard from her.  It turns out that these ornaments I’ve had for 27 years got lost in transit.  I filed a claim to track the package and just received a check yesterday returning the shipping cost.  That makes me sad because there was someone to love them.

I hold out hope that the package will be found and make it to her.  The contents will not mean anything to anybody but family.  These are homemade ornaments with Liberace or Elton John sparkle.

Are you sentimental?  What memories or items do you hold dear?

-Elle